Attachment theory is a popular framework for understanding relationships. This theory helps to explain why you’re attracted to certain people, why past relationships haven’t worked out, and why you’re trapped in a pattern of bad habits. People can be anxiously attached, avoidantly attached, or securely attached.
You may be anxiously attached if you crave a lot of closeness but are insecure about your relationship’s future and your partner’s interest in you. You may be avoidantly attached if you feel uncomfortable with intimacy and value independence over a connection. A securely attached person is comfortable with intimacy, spending time alone, and drawing clear boundaries. Securely attached people make up 50% of the population, but not the dating pool, since they tend to get into relationships and stay in them. Anxiously 7th and avoidantly attached people often date each other, reinforcing their worst tendencies. Anxiously attached or avoidantly attached people can develop better relationship skills by looking for secure partners and learning to self-regulate by managing disruptive impulses and emotions.
“Pay attention to whether you’re attracted to someone and focus less on how society evaluates that person’s looks.”
Life partners are trustworthy and reliable and will stay with you for the long haul. Superﬁcial qualities like looks, money, shared hobbies, and similar personalities matter less for the success of a long-term relationship. This is because lust fades, and people adapt to their circumstances. A great long-term partner is loyal, kind, and emotionally stable, a person with whom you can grow, make hard decisions, and ﬁght constructively. In the end, a relationship is about what happens when the two of you come together. Try to focus on the side of you this person brings out because that’s who you’ll be whenever you’re with them.